Keep Marching Forward

The first miscarriage is always the hardest to deal with.  No one forgets their first.  I remember my first miscarriage was when we went in for our first ultrasound (at 12 weeks) and the ultrasound tech said, 'hmm, there's no heart beat.  I'll be right back.'  Then the dr came in and doubled check and confirmed that there was no heart beat.  It was so devasting!  We were in total shock.  The dr said based on the size, I had probably miscarried at 9 weeks.  I relive that moment over and over in my head all the time.  And if I ever make it far along to another ultrasound, I will always have that fear in the back of my head. 

The second miscarriage was easier to deal with.  Of course, we were sad, but I distinctly remember being overcome with a sense of comfort. 

Here we are on our third miscarriage and again, I am sad, but feel overwhelmed with comfort and love.  I think people expect you to be sad and mourn during this time, but I am okay.  Everyone grieves differently and it's perfectly okay to go through the grieving process.  But for me, I'm chosing to march forward.

One of my favorite church songs is from Janice Kapp Perry, titled, 'Lord, Are you there?'  I heard this song yesterday (before I got the call). This particular verse really stuck out for me:

Lord, are you there?

Do you really care?

I listen but cannot hear

Sometimes when I call

My voice seems so small

I wonder, Lord, can you hear

Child, I love you so

But sometimes the answer is no

Pray, Pray, I'll open the way

And this is how you will grow

How true it rang to me.  Sometimes, we don't always get what we pray for, but that doesn't mean the Lord doesn't love us.  He does hear our prayers and will bless us with the things we need when the time is right.  And through all these trials, although we may not see it, we are being strengthen.

To all the women out there who have suffered losses, it's okay to mourn and grieve.  Just remember you are not alone.  Don't give up, keep marching forward.  That's the best direction to head toward.